You were kind enough yesterday, my dear brother, to entrust me with your conversion; a director, a minister usually arranges matters with a view to his own glory and profit; such is my hope in undertaking this task, and so, my dear brother, you will think it fit for me to follow the customary order of things, and as I intervene in your affairs, to arrange my own as well. I will not be too stern, I know my penitent’s weak spot, I shall tolerate it! As long as he loves God, America and me above all things, I absolve him of all his sins, present, past, and future; and I promise him Paradise where I shall lead him along a path strewn with roses.

It is well for my penitent to know that there are seven grave sins, which we call capital sins, because all the peccadillos of the lower orders are said to originate from these seven; and of the seven, my dear brother, you commit only one. To prove this to you is easy:

The first is pride—when a sage has always done good, solely for the love of goodness and the happiness of his fellowmen, if there happens to be glory at the outcome of this conduct, it is not its motivation; hence, you are not proud.

The second is envy—mediocre men envy the reputation, the merits, the success of superior men: it is impossible for you to be envious.

The third is avarice—moderate desires, simplicity, tidiness place you above all suspicion.

The fourth is gluttony—it does seem to me that you are fond enough of good things, but that it would be no great sacrifice for you to live like a savage chief, so you are not a glutton.

The fifth is anger—your calm soul, ever guided by reason, is flawless on this point.

The sixth is sloth—America, nay the very thunderbolt, if one could summon it as a witness, will testify that if all men resembled you, sloth would be unknown.

The seventh—I shall not name it. All great men are tainted with it: it is called their weakness. I dare say this so-called weakness removed the roughness, the austerity that unalloyed philosophy might have left with them. You have loved, my dear brother; you have been kind and lovable; you have been loved in return! What is so damnable about that? Go on doing great things and loving pretty women; provided that, pretty and lovable though they may be, you never lose sight of my principle: always love God, America, and me above all. These conditions fulfilled, your conversion will be lacking in nothing. I have the honor to be, my dear brother, with all the zeal necessary for my new office, your very humble and very obedient servant