The Scribbler, Being a Letter From a Gentleman in Town To his Friend in the Country, concerning the present State of Public Affairs; with a Lapidary Character (n.p., 1764).

The pleasant laconic Manner, in which you have sometimes accounted for the many Divisions, that have rent this unhappy Province, had never struck me with so much Conviction as of late. The Knavery of a few, and the Folly of many are now so apparent, as not to escape the notice of the most common unprejudiced Understanding: And it is really amazing as well as affecting, to see what iniquitous and silly Arts, the designing Few, notwithstanding all their pretensions to Wisdom and Goodness, make use of to deceive and inflame the Crowd.

[The Proprietors have for many years been “wresting from the People their Charter-Rights and Privileges” and the people “have not only seen these practices, and designs in their proper Colours ... but have likewise abhorred the Men, who pursued them.” The only solution is to seek a change in government when the proper moment comes, and our representatives have concluded that that moment has arrived.] Those who hold Offices under a Proprietary Governor, those who have gathered Estates, and those who still expect to make their Fortunes under Proprietary favour resolve to think otherwise:...These State-Jobbers, fearing on a Change that the Posts of Honour, and Profit will be disposed of by a Royal Governor only to Men of Merit, seem prodigiously averse to it: and it is difficult for you, who are buried in the obscurity and quiet of a Country-Life, to conceive what a Racket they make to prevent it. [They have circulated a counter-petition; are trying “with might and main, to force, out of the House” all the members who promoted the first petition; and have “wrote, and lied, and swore that the Assembly were all Quaker Politicians” and that they themselves were the “Champions of Liberty.”] ...And such innocent Arrogance might be past over with a laugh, if they had stop here [but the people would not believe them, so] their ill Success has transported them to personal Abuse. So long as the Characters of a Pliny and a Sejanus are not grossly misrepresented, there will be a striking contrast: while a F———n continues to support the Rights of his Constituents, it will be impossible for servile Minions to destroy his popular and good Name. They must have recourse to the base Means of every sinking Cause, groundless Slander: this is an easier Task, and better suits their Genius; for those Polithicks [sic], which have their Foundations in Scurrility and Lies, require no great deal of Finess. Every Parrot is able to prate Rogue and Whore.

It happened unluckily for the Cause of Liberty, that Mr. F———n once wrote a small Essay on the increase of Mankind, and the peopling of Countries; which was published nine years since in the Gentleman’s Magazine. In that Piece with great justice he observed, that the vast number of Germans who flocked into this Province settled together in particular Parts of it; and established their own Customs and Language to the exclusion of ours. For this and some other obvious Reasons, the P——y Faction have chosen to single him out, as the most proper Person to discharge their Artillery against, and without any regard to decency or Truth have they attacked him. In short, from the tall Knaves of Wealth and Power, to the sneaking Underlings of Corruption, they seem to a Man like Annibal jurati ad aras, sworn to load him with all the Filth, and Virulence that the basest Heads and basest Hearts can suggest. ...

See, much esteemed Sir, what it is to be conspicuous! Your noble Spirit, and the Truths which you have told, have drawn upon you much Malice, and many Lies. You cannot be answered, and therefore ’tis fit to abuse you. Your Slanderers are indeed for the most Part sufficiently contemptible: But it is worth considering who set them at work, and what palpable Falshoods, and gross Nonsense the poor Creatures are taught to utter.

To begin with those, who have no other Reason to say an unkind word of you, but envy of your superior Abilities. There are but few Men who are pleased with the Excellencies of others; vulgar Souls are provoked by them. Great Sir, you have galloped away so far before this Class of your Enemies to the Goal of Honour, that the poor Vermin conscious of their own Heaviness, can do nothing but crawl after you at a great Distance, and curse you.

But there are others who have more cause to complain. You have discharged all the Duties of a Parent to your Offfspring; you and your Children may reciprocally delight in the Connection. The good Education of your only Son has made him worthy the notice of his Sovereign. To his hands have been committed the Reins of——permit me to say, that I do not mean a Chariot——But an Honourable Government; which he directs with care to the Subject, and glory to his Royal Master. Here you shine and rejoice in the Character of a Father; while the illegitimate Progeny of your Adversaries are so numerous so scandalous and so neglected, that the only Concern of the Parents is least their unhappy By-Blows should commit Incest.

[Further encomiums on Franklin and his public services follow.] Lastly you have, as with an electrical Charge shock’d the Sensibility of those profane Blockheads, who dared to touch your Lightning. Hence, what do they say? faith I don’t know, except that “Powne and Gallowe” are synonymous Terms. ...

[The writer here went into the exploitation of the passage on the “Palatine Boors,” declaring that Franklin’s enemies have dispersed “carloads of pamphlets,” but they fail to point out that William Smith’s Brief State (which had also attacked the Germans) “is still in being, an irrefragible proof of their Insincerity.” Smith had called the Germans disloyal subjects an “a proud brutal Mob.” The writer then devoted five pages to an attack on the Presbyterian clergy essentially because of their opposition to the petition to the King and their support of the proprietary party.]

You have now Sir, the best Account of the Conduct of our P———y Partisans, and their Auxiliaries that my present Circumstances permit me to give you. It is very imperfect; yet may serve to acquaint you that, altho’ the Friends of Liberty struggle hard to throw off the galling Yoke of Tyrrany; there are some selfish Wretches, who for private Advantages wish to continue under it; and others who from base, uncertain Views, are ready to act as Understrappers to that venal Tribe. I remain, &c.

As Lapidary Characters are now in high Vogue, I send you one for your amusement: There were a great Number of Incidents at Hand, but I have selected only a few of the most striking.

In Memory / Of the ill-thought of, and much disesteem’d / W—— S—— / Who by an incessant perseverence / In all the grovling Arts / Of a consumate Sycophant, / By the dint of indefatigable Lying, / And Back-biting at one Party, and / A servile fawning and cringing to another, / Has brought himself to the secret Scorn of his Friends, / As well as the more open contempt of Others. / This Irreverent Parson, / Work’d thro’ many difficulties to arrive at / The Pinnacle of Publick Odium. / The perpetual Operations of a sinister cunning, / A brazen Effront’ry / And an unparrellel’d Impudence, / A superior Uniformity in Knavery, / And a Tongue bick’ring with slander / Join’d to a Heart bloated with infernal Malice, / Have been the noxious Clues / Which have convey’d him thro’ the Labyrinth / Of an obscure Birth, / Drain’d of his primary penurious Blood, / And enabl’d him to surmount his / Original abject Circumstances. / The Unhappy Father / Of this / Ordain’d Image of Insincerity, / Was a poor, but as it is said, an honest Blacksmith; / He gave his Son some Learning, / (According to the custom, even of the poorest of his Country,) / And as it has unfortunately turn’d out, / Sent him abroad to be a Ch at. / A few Years ago, he came a Raw-stripling / Into a neighbor’ing Government; / And was hous’d by a Gentleman there; / Who allow’d him a Stipend of / Twenty Pounds, Currency per Annum, / For taking care of his Children. / He began presently after his Arrival to discover / That promptitude to Party Feuds, / Which Seems to be inherent in his blood, / And which has so greatly distinguish’d him since. / When he first sojourn’d in this City, / He made his Court / To some of the Principle Gentlemen in it, / By assuring them a Portion in the skies, / Bepraising them in a lard of Poetry / One of which Gentlemen, he has since perceiv’d, / To be “ineffably mean” / Instead of a Sky-Lark. / And as a suitable Return for his / Pristine Civilities, / Has overwhelm’d him in a torrent of infamous abuse. / The Gentleman who has been thus grossly treated / Being the original Promoter of / That Institution, / Which has been the Creation of this ungrateful / Defamer; / And enabl’d him to rise on / The Stilts of Academical Dignity. / He was early taken notice of / By the Ass——bly of this Province, / They being under the necessity of ordering him / To Goal, / For his forward Impertinence to them. / Besides a long and regular series of blackening Lies / In England as well as America, / (Venomous as from the Tooth of a Serpent.) / It is notorious that in / This City, he added P———— to his Character. / He has also discovered the strange perturbations, / And Strong Itchings to Illegal V——y. / He once asserted in a Work of his / Concernment, / Of a Gentleman of establish’d Reputation / In the literary World, / That he had usurp’d the Honour of some discoveries / In natural Philosophy, of which, he was not / The Author, but another Gentleman was. / By which other Gentleman the falsity of that Assertion / Was immediately afterwards publickly avow’d. / And he now again repeats / With a consummate Assurance, / That Lye which has been heretofore so totally o’erthrown. / His depraved Example, / Has been instrumental, / in corrupting almost / The whole Body of P——sts of another Community / In this Province. / Egg’d on by his dual Tricks, / Till they have expos’d Themselves to Public Ridicule; / By quitting their Parsonic gravity, / For the preposterous Employment / of State Politicasters. / Imperious as tho’ he were a Sovereign, / Does this high-stomach’d Pedagogue, / Carry himself to his Equals and Inferiors, / But before his proud Superiors, opinionated as he is, / He sinks low! / And then / No sneaking Parasite can more pliantly / Buckle, flatter and fawn. / Oh! disdainful Reader! / If thou art mov’d with this, / Imagine not that no Service or Instruction / Is to be gain’d from such a Character. / It may convince Thee, that / Neither the Surplice, Gown nor Band, / Not the composing of flatulent Preachments, / Nor the Head devoted to Sanctity / By the venerable Hand of a B——p, / Not the pompous appellation of / D.D. / Can command our Love or Respect, / To a Man, that is / A Stranger to Godliness and devoid of Piety / And in whom no Vestige appears of / Grace, Truth or Honesty. / Finis.