Mr. Gazetteer,
I am an honest Tradesman, who never meant Harm
to any Body. My Affairs went on smoothly while a Batchelor; but of
late I have met with some Difficulties, of which I take the Freedom
to give you an Account.
About the Time I first address’d my present
Spouse, her Father gave out in Speeches, that if she married a Man
he liked, he would give with her £200 on the Day of Marriage. ’Tis
true he never said so to me, but he always receiv’d me very kindly
at his House, and openly countenac’d my Courtship. I form’d several
fine Schemes, what to do with this same £200 and in some Measure
neglected my Business on that Account: But unluckily it came to
pass, that when the old Gentleman saw I was pretty well engag’d,
and that the Match was too far gone to be easily broke off; he,
without any Reason given, grew very angry, forbid me the House, and
told his Daughter that if she married me he would not give her a
Farthing. However (as he foresaw) we were not to be disappointed in
that Manner; but having stole a Wedding, I took her home to my
House; where we were not in quite so poor a Condition as the Couple
describ’d in the Scotch Song, who had
for I had a House tolerably furnished, for an ordinary Man,
before. No thanks to Dad, who I understand was very much pleased
with his politick Management. And I have since learn’d that there
are old Curmudgeons (so called) besides him, who have this
Trick, to marry their Daughters, and yet keep what they might well
spare, till they can keep it no longer: But this by way of
Digression; A Word to the Wise is enough.
I soon saw that with Care and Industry we might
live tolerably easy, and in Credit with our Neighbours: But my Wife
had a strong Inclination to be a Gentlewoman. In Consequence
of this, my old-fashioned Looking-Glass was one Day broke, as she
said, No Mortal could tell which way. However, since we
could not be without a Glass in the Room, My Dear, says she,
we may as well buy a large fashionable One that Mr.
Such-a-one has to sell; it will cost but little more than a
common Glass, and will be much handsomer and more
creditable. Accordingly the Glass was bought, and hung against
the Wall: But in a Week’s time, I was made sensible by little and
little, that the Table was by no Means suitable to such a
Glass. And a more proper Table being procur’d, my Spouse,
who was an excellent Contriver, inform’d me where we might have
very handsome Chairs in the Way; And thus, by Degrees, I
found all my old Furniture stow’d up into the Garret, and every
thing below alter’d for the better.
Had we stopp’d here, we might have done well
enough; but my Wife being entertain’d with Tea by the Good
Women she visited, we could do no less than the like when they
visited us; and so we got a Tea-Table with all its
Appurtenances of China and Silver. Then my Spouse
unfortunately overwork’d herself in washing the House, so that we
could do no longer without a Maid. Besides this, it happened
frequently, that when I came home at One, the Dinner was but
just put in the Pot; for, My Dear thought really it had
been but Eleven: At other Times when I came at the same Hour,
She wondered I would stay so long, for Dinner was ready
and had waited for me these two Hours. These Irregularities,
occasioned by mistaking the Time, convinced me, that it was
absolutely necessary to buy a Clock; which my Spouse
observ’d, was a great Ornament to the Room! And lastly, to
my Grief, she was frequently troubled with some Ailment or other,
and nothing did her so much Good as Riding; And these
Hackney Horses were such wretched ugly Creatures, that—I
bought a very fine pacing Mare, which cost £20. And hereabouts
Affairs have stood for some Months past.
I could see all along, that this Way of Living
was utterly inconsistent with my Circumstances, but had not
Resolution enough to help it. Till lately, receiving a very severe
Dun, which mention’d the next Court, I began in earnest to project
Relief. Last Monday my Dear went over the River, to see a Relation,
and stay a Fortnight, because she could not bear the Heat of
the Town. In the Interim, I have taken my Turn to make
Alterations, viz. I have turn’d away the Maid, Bag and Baggage (for
what should we do with a Maid, who have (except my Boy) none but
our selves). I have sold the fine Pacing Mare, and bought a good
Milch Cow, with £3 of the Money. I have dispos’d of the Tea-Table,
and put a Spinning Wheel in its Place, which methinks looks very
pretty: Nine empty Canisters I have stuff’d with Flax; and with
some of the Money of the Tea-Furniture, I have bought a Set of
Knitting-Needles; for to tell you a Truth, which I would have go no
farther, I begin to want Stockings. The stately Clock I have
transform’d into an Hour-Glass, by which I gain’d a good round Sum;
and one of the Pieces of the old Looking-Glass, squar’d and fram’d,
supplies the Place of the Great One, which I have convey’d into a
Closet, where it may possibly remain some Years. In short, the Face
of Things is quite changed; and I am mightily pleased when I look
at my Hour-Glass, what an Ornament it is to the Room.
I have paid my Debts, and find Money in my Pocket. I expect my Dame
home next Friday, and as your Paper is taken in at the House where
she is, I hope the Reading of this will prepare her Mind for the
above surprizing Revolutions. If she can conform to this new Scheme
of Living, we shall be the happiest Couple perhaps in the Province,
and, by the Blessing of God, may soon be in thriving Circumstances.
I have reserv’d the great Glass, because I know her Heart is set
upon it. I will allow her when she comes in, to be taken suddenly
ill with the Headach, the Stomach-ach, Fainting-Fits,
or whatever other Disorders she may think more proper; and she may
retire to Bed as soon as she pleases: But if I do not find her in
perfect Health both of Body and Mind the next Morning, away goes
the aforesaid Great Glass, with several other Trinkets I have no
Occasion for, to the Vendue that very Day. Which is the irrevocable
Resolution of, Sir, Her loving Husband, and Your very humble
Servant,