Silence Dogood, No. 11
From a natural Compassion to my
Fellow-Creatures, I have sometimes been betray’d into Tears at the
Sight of an Object of Charity, who by a bear [sic] Relation
of his Circumstances, seem’d to demand the Assistance of those
about him. The following Petition represents in so lively a Manner
the forlorn State of a Virgin well stricken in Years and
Repentance, that I cannot forbear publishing it at this Time, with
some Advice to the Petitioner.
“1. That your Petitioner being puff’d up in her
younger Years with a numerous Train of Humble Servants, had the
Vanity to think, that her extraordinary Wit and Beauty would
continually recommend her to the Esteem of the Gallants; and
therefore as soon as it came to be publickly known that any
Gentleman address’d her, he was immediately discarded.
“2. That several of your Petitioners Humble
Servants, who upon their being rejected by her, were, to all
Apperance in a dying Condition, have since recover’d their Health,
and been several Years married, to the great Surprize and Grief of
your Petitioner, who parted with them upon no other Conditions, but
that they should die or run distracted for her, as several of them
faithfully promis’d to do.
“3. That your Petitioner finding her self
disappointed in and neglected by her former Adorers, and no new
Offers appearing for some Years past, she has been industriously
contracting Acquaintance with several Families in Town and Country,
where any young Gentlemen or Widowers have resided, and endeavour’d
to appear as conversable as possible before them: She has likewise
been a strict Observer of the Fashion, and always appear’d well
dress’d. And the better to restore her decay’d Beauty, she has
consum’d above Fifty Pound’s Worth of the most approved
Cosmeticks. But all won’t do.
“Your Petitioner therefore most humbly prays,
That you would be pleased to form a Project for the Relief of all
those penitent Mortals of the fair Sex, that are like to be
punish’d with their Virginity until old Age, for the Pride and
Insolence of their Youth.
“And your Petitioner (as in Duty bound) shall
ever pray, &c.
Were I endow’d with the Faculty of
Match-making, it should be improv’d for the Benefit of Mrs.
Margaret, and others in her Condition: But since my extream Modesty
and Taciturnity, forbids an Attempt of this Nature, I would advise
them to relieve themselves in a Method of Friendly Society;
and that already publish’d for Widows, I conceive would be a very
proper Proposal for them, whereby every single Woman, upon full
Proof given of her continuing a Virgin for the Space of Eighteen
Years, (dating her Virginity from the Age of Twelve,) should be
entituled to £500 in ready Cash.
But then it will be necessary to make the
following Exceptions.
1. That no Woman shall be admitted into the
Society after she is Twenty Five Years old, who has made a Practice
of entertaining and discarding Humble Servants, without sufficient
Reason for so doing, until she has manifested her Repentance in
Writing under her Hand.
2. No Member of the Society who has declar’d
before two credible Witnesses, That it is well known she has
refus’d several good Offers since the Time of her
Subscribing, shall be entituled to the £500 when she comes of
Age; that is to say, Thirty Years.
3. No Woman, who after claiming and receiving,
has had the good Fortune to marry, shall entertain any Company with
Encomiums on her Husband, above the Space of one Hour at a Time,
upon Pain of returning one half the Money into the Office, for the
first Offence; and upon the second Offence to return the Remainder.
I am, Sir, Your Humble Servant,